


lonely

by Jij



Series: comfort (a field of flowers) [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Loneliness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:14:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26815693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jij/pseuds/Jij
Summary: Hyunjin has to stay at the university dorms during summer. All alone. Or at least he thinks that he is alone.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Series: comfort (a field of flowers) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1701403
Comments: 10
Kudos: 64





	lonely

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this sitting in my drafts since summer and originally I didn't want to post this. However, I don't see myself writing ff in the future and so I'm in the process of finishing all my WIPs and getting it all out. So, here we go! I hope at least a few of you can enjoy this :D

Hyunjin stared at his phone with a sinking feeling, reading the message he had just received.

_Hey Hyunjin, sorry but something came up, I can’t make it this evening. We should definitely meet next saturday tho_

The all too familiar feeling of emptiness made its home in Hyunjin's chest once again. He had been working on his notes for another chapter and just checked his phone for an update. However, he didn’t expect an update like this one. All at once, his mind drew a blank. He locked his phone, looking back at his text book, staring at it but not processing any of the writing. He had been looking forward to meeting his friend for a while now. It was supposed to be the highlight of his week. It was supposed to reenergize him for yet another uneventful week that he predicted to be just as draining and lonely as the ones before. But now, all of his anticipation was taken away from him and replaced by disappointment. Just like that. It only took a short text message. Hyunjin was used to being alone, but these days it was just a bit too much. It had been long enough to make him increasingly mentally unstable. Every little thing upset him and everything that would have usually made him happy, seemed bland to him. Yesterday he had met a stray cat and even though he was glad the little tabby cat allowed him to pet it, thinking about how the cat must be just as lonely as him made him sad again. Now that his plans were cancelled, he felt weirdly unsettled. Like he was floating in a void. A lot of free space all around him. A void in his chest, a void in his schedule, a void in the dorm rooms surrounding him. The loneliness was isolating him.

He replied with dejection:

_No problem_

_Yeah, let’s just meet next saturday then. Text me when you’re on your way_

Shortly after he his screen lit up again, showing a short notification with the message, which just read a short and sweet _looking forward to it_.

Yeah, me too, Hyunjin thought, really looking forward to it just like the past week.

Suddenly he felt exhaustion settle in his bones. All his previous motivation to get some revision done left him and he craved the warmth of his bed. The distance from his desk to his bed wasn’t too big, as expected from a single room in the university dorm. So, he just pushed himself back on his chair and with one swift motion face-planted himself onto his bed.

Hugging his plush puppy to his chest, he wallowed in his misery. Nothing was going right these days. He was stressed, anxious even, about his exam and he had no one to confide into. He didn’t want to worry or annoy his friends either, so he didn’t ask to meet up often. Pretty much all of his friends were staying in their hometowns for the summer and it took quite a while for them to visit him. That’s one reason he had been especially happy, looking forward to this evening.

The sadness and disappointment started to consume Hyunjin and he couldn’t find it in him to try and think of happy thoughts. He was tired and felt numb most of the time these days. Therefore, crying seemed to be his best option right now. It would give him some relief and at least he would feel something. He let loose, he let go and it didn’t take long until he felt the warmth of tears rolling down his cheeks. Some of them tickled his nose, but unable to make him laugh, just uncomfortable.

Hyunjin's chest began to tighten, tighten around the hollow feeling that seemed to represent his heart. It choked him up to the point that he started weeping.

How pathetic, he thought, why would a university student hug his stuffed animal and wail because his play date got cancelled?

But another voice chimed in; It’s more than that. It’s everything. Everything is making me sad these days. I’m just so sad.

Hyunjin jumped in his skin as a few cautious knocks on his door kept him from spiraling deeper into hopelessness. Who could that be? Didn’t everyone leave? His roommates shouldn’t be back in the dorm for another two months. Did his friend pull a prank on him and actually came to meet him? Hyunjin chided himself for getting his hopes up, it was probably just the janitor.

He sat up, wiped his cheeks dry with the ends of his sleeve and tried to muster a smile, so as to not worry whoever was standing on the other side of his door. However, going by the expression of the boy standing outside he hadn’t been all too successful. As he was peeking his head through the door, he came face to face with the softest looking boy he had ever seen. He was just slightly smaller than him, probably his age, and had dyed light brown hair. The boy offered him a cautious smile, but concern was still evident on his face. Suddenly, Hyunjin felt ashamed, he had caused the other trouble. Hyunjin tried to smile properly, hoping the other would smile back at him, because instinctively Hyunjin wanted him to be happy.

“Uhm, hi. I just,” the boy seemed to panic trying to sort out what he actually wanted to say,” I, uhm, heard you crying? And I, oh I live next door by the way. So, I heard, through the wall, that you were, well, sad and I wanted to check up on you.”

Hyunjin felt his cheeks heat up. He was speechless. First of all, he didn’t know someone was still living in the room next to his. He hadn’t seen anyone in the hallway. Then again, he hardly left his apartment. And second of all, why would a boy he had never talked to care for him because he heard him cry? Shouldn’t he be annoyed? If he had been studying, it had probably distracted him. But his neighbor cared. His heart felt heavy at the thought.

Apparently, Hyunjin took too long to answer, because the boy continued to explain himself,” I didn’t want to intrude, but I know we’re pretty much alone in this dorm and I thought that maybe you need someone to talk to. My name is Seungmin by the way. I don’t think we’ve actually met before,” he finished with a sheepish smile and a slight blush.

His eyes widened as he felt something tug at his heart strings. Seungmin was such a pure soul. Now it bothered him even more that he had caused the other concern.

“I’m Hyunjin. Thank you very much, Seungmin. I’s okay though, I will be fine. I’m sorry that I made you worried.”

Hyunjin didn’t want to bother him. If they were to talk right now, he would dump a huge load of confusing feelings and problems without a solution on him. That would either scare Seungmin away or drag him down with him, or even both. Hyunjin couldn’t bear the thought of making the other sad. He didn’t want to be a burden. In addition, Hyunjin felt oddly ashamed of his feelings. Every time he opened his heart, he felt regret afterwards. He felt weak for letting himself be consumed by his childish feelings. In the end he would tell himself to get over it. Everyone else in the same situation always seemed to be doing just fine. Why would get over it. And so, he told Seungmin, that he would be fine. After all, he wasn’t depressed or anything. He knew that because he had looked up all the symptoms on the internet. Hyunjin wasn’t depressed, he was just in a slump and felt lonely. Just that. Not sad enough to be relevant.

In front of him, Seungmin seemed surprised by his answer. His lips had formed a small o-shape. Pretty, Hyunjin thought, but catching himself in time, so that Seungmin didn’t notice him staring at his lips. Looking back into the other’s eyes, similar thoughts came to his mind. Seungmin's eyes were even prettier; sparkly, like they held stars in them.

“Well then, I hope you feel better soon. If not, I live next door. Feel free to just knock anytime and I’ll try to help.”

Seungmin gave him one last comforting smile and Hyunjin wanted nothing more than to stop this boy that he only just met from leaving. But he couldn’t. He had made up his mind not to burden the boy with feelings he didn’t even know how to describe properly. Or what had caused them.

“Thank you. I appreciate it, Seungmin.”

“No problem. See you around?”

“Yeah, sure,” Hyunjin smiled at the other one last time before Seungmin turned around to go back into his apartment.

As he closed the door again, he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He blinked them away quickly, determined to try and get a grip. If he didn’t then he had been lying to the purest boy on earth, just a minute ago. A horrible thought.

Eventually, Hyunjin's inner turmoil subsided and the pain of sadness became a dull sensation that allowed him to think other thoughts. His voice of reason took over the reins, or tried at least, scolding him for being unproductive. As an attempt at self-care, he dragged himself out of bed and decided to eat an apple and drink some water. He wasn’t particularly hungry, but still convinced that he should eat something. Afterwards he washed his face with cold water in order to feel more awake. That was what usually got him back on track. But today it appeared that he needed to put in a bit more effort. He still felt tired. It was already 8pm, but Hyunjin really felt like he needed a coffee and since coffee was one of his favorite drinks, he had hopes that a cup would save him from his misery tonight. There just weren’t a lot of alternatives.

With a steaming mug in hand, Hyunjin sat at his desk again. He took a deep breath and exhaled audibly, attempting to release the tension in his jaw and getting into a stable mindset. The aromatic smell of his coffee reminded him that he had yet to drink it. He took a sip. It tasted weird. He took another sip, but it still tasted weird. Watery and not as bitter as it should. Earlier his apple hadn’t been as sweet either. It was odd, but Hyunjin let it slide, trying his best to focus on his text book.

While he did his best to concentrate on the materials he had to study, his thoughts kept drifting off. Hyunjin's mind kept showing him images of a boy with soft hair and sparkly eyes.

The next week passed in a blur of difficult formulas and paragraphs failing to explain them. And the fleeting thoughts of his newly acquainted neighbor.

Before Hyunjin noticed, it was the weekend again and just like last Saturday he was looking forward to meeting up with his friend. He had bought some beer and snacks. With everything set up, he was only waiting for the promised message notifying him that his friend was on his way.

But the message never came.

But what did come was the suffocating nothingness that engulfed you when you were lonely.

It was nearing midnight and by now Hyunjin was sitting on his bed with his back against the wall, holding onto a can of beer with both of his hands. It was his third. Hyunjin had emptied two beer cans already trying to chase away the bitterness of betrayal with the bitterness of the alcohol. He did notice that he was being a little dramatic. You couldn’t really call it betrayal, now could you? Hyunjin had been forgotten. Didn’t betrayal require action anyways? Maybe betrayal would have been better though, his friend could’ve just told him that he had better things to do. At least Hyunjin wouldn’t feel so insignificant then, at least he was worth being thought of. And now he was spiraling. He noticed those intrusive thoughts and he knew things weren’t that bad, but he couldn’t help himself wanting to drown in his feelings. Utterly defeated by his solitude he felt tears welling up in his eyes. However, similarly to last week, his train of thought was interrupted.

Hyunjin heard a voice, soft but also a bit dull. With his head against the wall that divided his apartment with the one next to him, he could hear Seungmin talking on the phone. Or so he guessed.

Those soft sounds were produced to deliver messages, but traveled through the walls just to remind Hyunjin that he wasn’t alone. Those words made his heart grow heavy in his chest. They made him want to merge with the wall, to go right through, albeit in a whole, unlike the words, just so that he could be with Seungmin. He longed for the other. Oh, how much he wanted to be close to him, it made his chest ache. To other people his thoughts must sound like the thoughts of a lunatic. After all he barely knew Seungmin and they had only met once, but to Hyunjin the proximity of their homes, the thought of being divided by only one thin wall, made his feelings much more valid. In addition to that, he couldn’t deny that he classified as a hopeless romantic and was currently contemplating to call it love at first sight. However, he scolded himself at the thought, because he felt like he was in no emotional state to consider that. Lonely as he was, he felt a fleeting sensation of companionship with everyone he shared a moment with, from the guy he was waiting in line with at the cash register to the random people who were having overheard conversations close to his open window. Reminded of that, he tried to downplay his feelings so as to not be affected too much when the disenchantment would set in; mentally preparing himself for the door of his neighbor not opening when he would knock.

A sound distracted him once again from mulling over his feelings. This time it wasn’t soft though, but harsh. The conversation Seungmin had seemingly turned into an argument. Hyunjin listened. From what he was able to understand through the wall, they were arguing about where Seungmin would stay over summer. Seungmin was adamant about not going back home and staying in the dorms, while the other, presumably one of his parents, wanted him to come home for something.

Suddenly he heard the person on the other end of the phone call yell at Seungmin. And then for a moment there was silence. The conflict had made Hyunjin alert and he listened intently, wishing to hear something that would tell him that the other was okay. However, as he heard little sniffles and sobs coming from the room next to his he knew that in fact Seungmin was not okay.

Hearing the other cry reminded him of how only minutes ago he himself had felt like crying just like Seungmin was now. And it was also his cute neighbor that had prevented him from crying just by reminding him that he was there. He was just next door and Hyunjin wasn’t as alone as he had thought.

Hyunjin remembered their little encounter from a week ago and decided to take Seungmin up on his offer. The cute boy had told him he could knock on his door whenever. It was supposed to be so that Seungmin could help Hyunjin. And actually, Seungmin _could_ help Hyunjin, it was just that Hyunjin was planning on using it as an excuse to visit him and try to distract seungmin from whatever had made him cry. They both needed comfort and Hyunjin was ready to take action.

He grabbed two cans of the beer and a bag of candy, he had originally bought for his friend, and headed out of his apartment. He only had to take a few steps down the hallway to reach his neighbor's door, so it shouldn’t have taken him long to get so Seungmin. But as soon as he stood in front of the door, his determination left and lifting his fist to knock became incredibly difficult.

First of all, Hyunjin had to run through multiple scenarios in his head to figure out what Seungmin's reaction would be. Would he feel like Hyunjin was intruding? They weren’t close, not at all, so what if Seungmin gets angry at Hyunjin for showing up in a moment in which Seungmin struggled? Then again, Hyunjin wasn’t planning on letting the other know that he _knew_. He would feign ignorance, like he couldn’t hear every heartbreaking sob through the bedroom walls. Another thing that bothered him was the possibility that Hyunjin simply couldn’t help, couldn’t distract him. He didn’t know what the other was going through and, unprepared like Hyunjin was, he might just end up being useless to Seungmin. Utterly helpless, maybe he would end up sitting next to him just watching Seungmin cry.

Though apart from his plan not being successful, there was another thing that made him hesitant to knock. Hyunjin had been alone for a while now, always cooped up in his room, studying and reading and texting, but never really talking. No proper human interaction for a few weeks now. He was unsure if a conversation like they might have, a personal conversation, would come natural to him. For a moment he felt like turning around and locking himself in his room again would be his best option.

Casting away these thoughts and drawing on the remains of his liquid confidence he drank earlier, he knocked on Seungmin's door before he could produce more useless thoughts. In the rush, his knocks turned out to be a bit more forceful than he had intended, but at least he heard shuffling through the door shortly after.

Hyunjin drew in a sharp breath as Seungmin stuck his head out the door. His neighbor’s hair was disheveled, his eyes a little swollen and his cheeks blotchy and red, probably from wiping away his tears.

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin looked confused for a split second, but seemingly remembered his invitation and mustered a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. With a short greeting directed at his neighbor he opened his door completely, an inviting gesture.

Hyunjin felt his anxiety dissipate, Seungmin, even though still sad, didn’t seem to be irritated by his visit. So, Hyunjin cautiously smiled back at him.

“Uhm, hi! I’m here to talk?” Hyunjin mentally facepalmed. Why did that come out like a question?

Seungmin chuckled lightly,” ‘You sure?

A few moments later, the two had settled on Seungmin's couch, both a beer in hand and taking turns reaching for the snacks Hyunjin had brought. Even though they weren’t talking right away, it wasn’t particularly awkward. At least not as awkward as expected. Still they knew that they should actually talk. The elephant in the room was that both of them were currently miserable and they should talk about it. After all, misery shared is misery halved.

After a few minutes spent in silence, it was Seungmin who took the initiative.

“So, do you want to tell me why you were crying last weekend?” Seungmin asked tentatively.

Oh, right. Hyunjin actually had to open up to Seungmin. That was the plan, to distract the other. Hyunjin contemplated for a while, if he actually wanted to get into it though. Just being next to the other made him feel better and his previous problems seemed far away.

Hyunjin looked down at his hands and the beer he was holding to avoid looking at Seungmin directly as he was trying to put his feelings into words.

“I guess, I’m just lonely these days. I’m staying in the dorms over summer to study for an exam that I have to retake. I was looking forward to meeting my friend again last Saturday but he stood me up and hasn’t contacted me since. Maybe it sounds a bit insignificant, but… it just,” Hyunjin didn’t know how to finish his sentence.

He didn’t want to start spiraling with Seungmin next to him, but he already felt a familiar feeling of melancholy forming in his core. Though, Hyunjin also felt a hand on his shoulder. A hand on his shoulder was apparently all it took to lift the heavy feeling that had wanted to settle. Hyunjin looked up at Seungmin and he could sense warmth starting to fill the hole that had developed in his chest.

“It’s not insignificant, Hyunjin. Your feelings are important, no matter what. I understand that you must’ve been disappointed, not only with your friend but probably just with life in general?”

Hyunjin nodded slowly and with shiny eyes.

“Being alone and feeling alone isn’t easy, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin nodded again. This time a few tears escaped his eyes.

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m here now,” Seungmin tried to console the other, moving his hand from Hyunjin's shoulder to his back to rub soothing circles onto the fabric of his t-shirt.

“Seungmin?”

Seungmin hummed in response and looked at him encouragingly.

“I hope it’s not too weird, well, because we don’t know each other very well and maybe it’s uncomfortable for you, but maybe not, so…uhm… can I hug you?” Hyunjin stuttered with warm cheeks, incredibly embarrassed by his request.

Hyunjin was still looking at his hands, too flustered to look at Seungmin. But Seungmin didn’t answer. Was he angry? Did he think Hyunjin was being a creep asking for a hug from a practical stranger? To get an answer he finally looked up. His heart skipped a beat as their eyes met and Hyunjin saw how Seungmin was looking at him. He could see the surprise in Seungmin's expression but also something that seemed to be a mix of fondness and awe with a hint of amusement.

Seungmin smiled at him and took Hyunjin's beer out of his hands to set it down on the coffee table next to them, where it joined Seungmin's empty can and the bag of candy. He then moved closer to Hyunjin's side of the couch and opened his arms, gently reaching around Hyunjin to bring him close. Hyunjin, although still shy, didn’t hesitate to cuddle closer as soon as he was in Seungmin's arms. He instinctively tightened his grip and buried his face in Seungmin's shoulder. Eyes closed, Hyunjin reveled in the feeling of being held, the feeling of not being alone, the feeling that he had missed so much for about a month already.

They remained in their embrace for a while, Hyunjin couldn’t estimate how long exactly, but it didn’t matter anyways. It was a comfortable embrace. Even though they hardly knew each other long enough to be friends, they felt connected. They just fit together.

Despite the comfort Seungmin had gifted him, there was still something bothering Hyunjin. The reason for him finally visiting his neighbor. This wasn’t meant to be about him. He had been planning on distracting Seungmin and he had succeeded, but now Hyunjin wanted to give back. Hyunjin wanted Seumin to share his troubles with him too.

He lifted his head slightly from where it was pressed against Seungmin's shoulder and tilted it, so that his whispers would reach Seungmin's ear.

“Seungmin? Why were you crying earlier?” he asked cautiously.

Seungmin didn’t answer right away, but took a deep breath first.

“You heard that? I’m sorry. I thought the walls were thick enough.”

Thick enough to not worry his neighbor. But they weren’t. Their wall was very thin and once you were aware that someone was on the other side, you couldn’t help but recognize every little noise as a sign of company, a strange sense of togetherness.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s really not much to tell. I took on a summer job in the university library, so that I could stay here over the summer. My parents want me to come home, but I don’t want to. I hate being there, I can’t be myself when I’m in my hometown,” Seungmin explained with a strain in his voice that told Hyunjin much more than what was said.

Hyunjin knew.

Now it was Seungmin's turn to bury his face in the other’s shoulder. Hyunjin was happy to pull the boy even closer. He could smell the vanilla scent of Seungmin's shampoo and suddenly felt an urge to press a kiss into his hair. Hyunjin would keep that for later though. Instead, he brought one hand up to Seungmin's nape and massaged it lightly to relieve the tension that often developed when you were holding back tears.

“Will you stay?” With me.

“Yes, I want to.” Stay with you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for finishing this! The end is so sappy, I'm so sorry!! I actually thought the whole story is a bit too much while writing it lol anyways I would love some feedback on this? I hope you can't relate to this (the loneliness part), but was it still at least somewhat authentic? It's probably a bit too short to be realistic, but that's also not the goal I guess. Have a nice day!


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